The band Barenaked Ladies is facing renewed scrutiny from disgruntled fans and critics, citing “unrealistic promises” made in their 1990s hit, “If I Had $1,000,000.” The song hit charts throughout the late 1990s and early 2000s, and remains a live staple of the band’s shows, but fans are unhappy with the content of the lyrics.
“I love them, man, but they’re just coming across as pretty out of touch,” said Curtis Metley, a long-time fan. “I’ve seen them at, like, 50 shows, but I just can’t do it anymore. I need a million dollars to get through Ticketmaster fees, basically.”
The song’s opening verse presents an immediate issue: “If I had a million dollars, I’d buy you a house.” The song was initially released in 1991, and looking at average house prices from the Toronto Regional Real Estate Board, we can see that the average house in the Greater Toronto Area (GTA) was $234,313 in 1991. The same data shows an average of $1,067,882 for a house in GTA in 2025, already placing the opening promise outside of the song’s current budget. Subsequent verses only widen that gap.
The next lyric promises to furnish the house, including with a “nice Chesterfield [sofa] or ottoman.” While it can be difficult to determine the entire cost of furnishing a house, data from the Canadian government says the median detached home size in Ontario is 1,520 square feet. For the purposes of this analysis, a three-bedroom layout will be assumed. Looking at period-appropriate 1991 median furniture prices for several core items, we see beds at $321.29, sofas at $1028.00, and rugs at $204.58. While these figures represent only a subset of required furnishings, we can apply a conservative whole-home furnishing multiplier when accounting for nightstands, dressers, tables, lamps, etc., yielding a total of $4661.61 – in 1991. That’s $9,431.23 in 2026. All prices are shown in Canadian dollars.
Notably, that lyric specifically mentions a nice Chesterfield sofa. Chesterfields are already luxury pieces of furniture, with high-end models exceeding $10,000. Given the way the Barenaked Ladies specified a luxury model, $10,000 can be incorporated into the current projection of $1,087,313.23.
The song then continues with the purchase of a K-car, “a nice reliable automobile”: a midrange Chrysler sedan, which was made from 1981 to 1991. The closest analogue in 1991 would be the Chrysler LeBaron, which had an MSRP of $19,025, or $38,490.82 when adjusted for inflation. This is for the base trim, of which there were 7. The car has only had 5 recalls in the past 35 years, which makes “a nice reliable automobile” one of the few accurate statements from the song.
While historical pricing provides useful context, the discrepancy between 1991 and current costs is already clear. For the sake of consistency, the remaining estimates will be presented in current-day values.
After the chorus – which we’ll get to later – the Barenaked Ladies promise a treefort within our budget, but with one key stipulation: “Maybe we could put a little tiny fridge in there somewhere.” This implies a covered treefort with electricity.
Assuming a small, roofed structure, we can estimate approximately 400 board feet would be needed. Current lumber prices are greatly inflated, at $501.57 per 1,000 board feet, which translates to $200.62 for this treefort. We’ll include an extra $50 for nails/fasteners, $150 for ladder materials, and $100 for shingles and weatherproofing, adding $300.
Running a miniature fridge in the tree fort would require: outdoor underground electrical wiring at a minimum cost of $13 per linear foot, about $200 for conduits and fittings, $150 for an outdoor electrical box, and a 3.2 Cubic Foot Retro Mini Refrigerator in Mint Green With Freezer for $178. Assuming a minimum distance of 50 feet from the house to the treefort, the electrical cost will exceed $1,178, and that’s before we factor in labor costs. These kinds of improvements are not advised for those without electrical experience, and labor costs would easily tack on hundreds or thousands of dollars; that said, the lyric “You could help, it wouldn’t be that hard” tells us they would attempt even the electrical work on their own.
In aggregate, the projected cost of the tree fort exceeds $1,678.62, excluding furnishings, ongoing utility expenses, and the cost of stocking the fridge with “pre-wrapped sausages,” as mentioned in the following verses.
After the tree house, the Barenaked Ladies rattle off a shopping spree of increasingly unconventional items. A fake fur coat can be had for around $200. They then mention a llama or an emu. Had they been speaking of a baby animal, they’d have mentioned a cria (baby llama) or emu chick, but they don’t, so it’s fair to assume they meant an adult animal. Adult llamas vary widely in price, but $9500 seems to be an average; emus are difficult to obtain as adults, but typically sell for around $1000 for a pair. Given the indulgent tone of the song, they’d likely go for the llama. These costs ignore veterinary fees and the cost of building a suitable enclosure and shelter for the llama.
We then see the darker side of the song, as it presents the idea of purchasing “John Merrick’s remains.” John Merrick was an English man known for his severe deformities, who was presented at freak shows as “The Elephant Man.” His remains are kept at the School of Medicine and Dentistry at London’s Queen Mary University. The concept of buying a human’s remains does not cast a favorable light on the Barenaked Ladies, which is no doubt a contributor to the ire they’re drawing from fans and critics right now. Placing value on a human body – alive or otherwise – goes against Ignorami’s principles of journalistic integrity, and we will not be estimating a value for John Merrick’s remains, unlike the Barenaked Ladies.
The next chorus mentions “We wouldn’t have to walk to the store… No, we’d take a limousine because it costs more.” The casual “because it costs more” tells the listener that the Barenaked Ladies are not buying a pre-owned or middling limousine, but rather, something along the lines of a Cadillac Escalade Stretch Limousine, which often costs $200,000-$450,000 before options and armor packages. Using a middle-of-the-road estimate adds $325,000 to the total, not including registration, a driver, or exorbitant fuel costs.
In a slightly more realistic turn, the band teases the audience with a return to something almost like reality, saying that with $1,000,000, they’d “eat Kraft Dinner… with all the fancy ketchups, Dijon ketchups.” The band is suggesting adding ketchup to a dish traditionally served without the condiment, which has been panned by food and music critics alike. Nevertheless, Kraft Dinner single servings are $3.50 each, and as there are two singers in the band that are singing these lyrics to a third party, we’ll add a total of $11,497.50 for one year’s worth of Kraft Dinner for three people, three times a day. If they’re all using ketchup on their Kraft Dinner (Dijon ketchup does not exist) at a rate of one bottle per week, an additional $250.12 is added to the total.
The final verse of the song begins with a promise to buy a green dress. We assume the band was envisioning something along the lines of a Versace Draped Medusa Head Body-Con Gown in Bright Green, which is $5478.87. Next is “...some art… A Picasso or Garfunkel.” Picasso’s art has sold from several thousand dollars for a small piece of paper to tens of millions of dollars for a highly-sought after painting. To fit within the budget, a cheaper Picasso painting was likely the intent, and Sotheby’s and Christie’s would suggest a minimum of $120,000. No one really knows who Garfunkel is, so we could not find data for their paintings.
The last line of the last verse reads “If I had a million dollars, Well I’d buy you a monkey… Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?” Ownership of a monkey is illegal in most of Canada and legal in certain parts of Ontario; however, the band is from Toronto, and it is illegal to own a monkey in Toronto. This also casts doubt on the moral character of the Barenaked Ladies. For the sake of argument, a Capuchin – which is a common species of pet monkey – often costs $27461.02 or more. Again, this figure does not include veterinary fees, food, adequate enrichment and housing, or any other pet ownership costs.
Before examining the chorus and pre-chorus, let’s take a look at the sum of the items the Barenaked Ladies claimed $1,000,000 could afford. Our conservative total is $1,626,870.18 Canadian dollars – well beyond the song’s $1,000,000 budget. This figure would increase substantially when accounting for omitted costs, including labor on a tree house, taxes on luxury goods, a limousine driver, llama and monkey necessities and veterinarian costs, and property taxes.
The chorus and pre-chorus lyrics are arguably the least feasible claims made in the entire song: “If I had a million dollars, I’d buy your love.” Love is becoming harder and harder to find in today’s economy, and many are simply unable to afford it. The idea that $1,000,000 could secure it outright feels outdated, at best. “The band treats one of the most enigmatic human emotions like a box of cereal you pick out on a shelf,” said a critic at Pitchfork.
Ignorami reached out to the band for comment on the renewed criticism surrounding the song. The band did not respond.