Arguments between partners are most damaging when both parties believe they deserve to win. This is why healthy communication is overrated. Decisive conflict resolution is what allows a couple to move forward from disagreements with a focus on what matters most: their love for each other.
After years of guiding dozens of couples through relationship struggles, I’ve noticed one standout trait of those that find relationship success: they have a “losing partner.” The losing partner will capitulate in moments of relational conflict or stress, much to the benefit of both parties.
These successful relationships have a losing partner, but the couples that truly thrived formalize the process by choosing a Designated Losing Partner (DLP). DLPs decrease friction in relationships through acceptance that they are not the winning party in an argument. This person can be any age, gender, or other demographic, but they often share many of the following characteristics: they’re quick to apologize; they dislike confrontation; they have low self-esteem; they have strong emotional endurance; they struggle to voice their thoughts in moments of conflict.
A typical argument looks like this: there is a disagreement, both parties state their position and try to convince the other that they are right, and there is often escalation before a truce is made – all of which can potentially take hours or even days, if agreement is even found at all. In a relationship with a DLP, however, this flow is optimized: the issue is identified, the dominant partner speaks, the DLP acknowledges fault, and reconciliation can begin within a matter of minutes. This shortened “apology turnaround time” is a hallmark of the DLP model.
Of course, a small percentage of relationships include two partners that both believe they deserve to win arguments. The discord this can cause has the potential to end the relationship itself, so it’s even more crucial for them to find better conflict resolution strategies. In this case, I often recommend a rotational DLP structure, in which partners rotate monthly or quarterly DLP designation. This helps the couple engage in a healthier dispute resolution pattern without pushing either partner into a role they might not feel comfortable in long-term.
I’ve conducted numerous case studies on the efficacy of DLP models in relationships, and the data provides a clear picture: couples with a DLP have a notably improved apology turnaround time, fewer repeated discussion cycles, higher domestic decision throughput, and lower rates of conflict-induced sleep disruption. In our largest study, we tracked couples in laboratory-controlled conflicts, including toilet seat positioning disputes following standing urination, leaving dirty dishes in the sink, dinner selection disagreements, and impulse purchase events. In addition to the aforementioned advantages, we found an average of 43% lower cortisol levels and greatly improved relationship satisfaction rates in the non-DLP.
Couples interested in implementing a DLP framework are encouraged to work with a relationship counselor to establish clear expectations, and the earlier, the better – ideally prior to cohabitation. A written and agreed-upon dispute accountability agreement helps to clarify the roles for each partner, and provides a standardized operating agreement for the DLP to adhere to in order to remain conflict-responsive. While some critics argue that DLP models create imbalance in relationships, proponents are right to point out that the DLP codifies existing power structures and helps couples to break out of a mindset that confuses equality with efficiency. After all, the happiest relationships are rarely the ones where both people hope to win.