In our recurring column, Dear Lord, Jesus Christ sits down to answer prayers, provide insight, and give us an inside look at a day in the life of the Son of God.
Dear Lord,
I found marijuana in my son’s sock drawer, and I’m worried his life of sin will damn him to Hell. How do I talk to him in a way that will make him listen?
- Sue G., Columbus, Indiana
Dear Sue,
I respectfully urge you to chil the fuck out. It’s just a bit of ganja, and he’s going to try it elsewhere if you don’t provide a safe place for him to do it at home. I would talk to him, but focus on smoking in non-destructive ways. You can tell him about potential negative impacts, but it’s important for you to not be a total bummer when you have this conversation with him. Hell, have you even read my book? Psalm 57:2 reads “I cry out to God most high, who fulfills his purpose for me.” I am the most high god, and I’m high as a kite as I write this. I think you could kick it with your kid, spark up, and just have a good time.
- Jesus Christ
Dear Lord,
My wife caught me in bed with my coworker, took both of our kids,and left. I can’t express how much regret I have for my actions, and I want to fix things between us, but she won’t speak to me or even tell me where she’s living. What can I do to repair this situation?
- George L., Casper, Wyoming
Dear George,
What the fuck, man? You act like a selfish douchebag, and then you turn around and expect me to fix things for you? That’s not how this works, bud. You made your bed, now it’s time to lie in it. If you ever read my damn book, you’d know about a little thing called The Ten Commandments. I gave you ten rules, and that was too much for you. “Thou shall not commit adultery.” No beating around the burning bush. Fucking asshole.
- Jesus Christ
Dear Lord,
My little Timmy has been battling leukemia for three years now, and he’s no longer responding to the treatments that we’re working before. He just wrapped up another round of chemotherapy, but the last PET scan showed the cancer has not slowed down. We’re in need of a miracle. Will you please save my sweet boy?
- Ainsley P., Sarasota, Florida
Dear Ainsley,
No.
- Jesus Christ
Dear Lord,
I caught my husband sleeping with his coworker last month, and it broke me. I don’t understand how someone that I love so much could hurt me like that; it was completely unexpected. I took our children and I’ve been living with my parents, but he won’t stop contacting me. I don’t see a way forward with him in our lives. What should I do?
- Tammy L., Casper, Wyoming
Dear Tammy,
First: hire a divorce lawyer. A good one is going to run you $700/hour or more, so we’ll need to do some creative budgeting, but this guy deserves to suffer. He keeps praying to me every day and night and I’m so sick of hearing “poor me, I cheated on my wife and now I want her back.” I’m sure you know this, but you’re better off without that jackass. I’d also look at moving, because let me tell you, there aren’t exactly a lot of lookers in Casper, Wyoming – I’d know, because I’m omniscient and can see everyone when they’re naked and stuff. Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you in the meantime. I can’t do much, but I can at least give your husband cancer or something like that. Best of luck.
- Jesus Christ
Dear Lord,
I’m quarterback for my high school’s football team, and we made it to the state playoffs. Will you please help me win the semifinal game this weekend?
- Dax S., Austin, Texas
Dear Dax,
Nope. Your grandfather called me a hippy back in 1973, and I still haven’t forgiven him. You can get bent.
- Jesus Christ
Dear Lord,
I’ve wanted a PS5 for years now, and my 13th birthday is coming up. Can you please convince my parents to buy me one for a birthday gift?
- Thomas B., Detroit, Michigan
Dear Thomas,
You got it, buddy. Your parents are absolutely getting you a PS5 for your birthday. Also, sorry about the fatal car wreck your parents are going to be in next spring. I normally don’t tell people things like that, but since I already know you’re getting the gaming console, it seemed rude not to mention it. Anyways, enjoy the gaming console!
- Jesus Christ